I want to thank you for your interest in my efforts to strengthen my self-control. Those lemon scones, fresh cinnamon rolls and pumpkin-chocolate muffins you kindly left in the break room were a real test! How did you know I chose this week to embark on a mission to finally lose that ‘freshman fifteen’ I acquired three years ago when I joined a company with Breakfast Monday, Cookie Wednesday, Pizza Friday, and Put-it-in-the-kitchen-so-your-coworkers-make-it-disappear Day?
I almost made it through Monday, but y’all are tough coaches! You must have seen my momentary lapse where I cut a teeny-tiny slice of the pumpkin muffin and tried to up the ante on me — saw a break in my resolve and went for it. When I got back from lunch there were Peeps added to the giant bowl of Easter candy! How did you know I adore those glittering mounds of sugar molded into cute animals? You even left them out and unwrapped so they would be perfectly stale come 6’o’clock. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who likes stale Peeps, so I know you did it just for me.
I have to admit at first I was mad at you, but then I saw your efforts of sabotage in a new light. I realize now that you know I face temptation every day, and need to face it head on and say “No cookie, I will not eat you!” and “Stay back foul chocolate demon, you will not enter!”
So again, I thank you for the encouragement disguised as sadistic plans to undermine my efforts to lose weight.